


the long way home

by baeconandeggs



Category: EXO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3875392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes more than a couple of a years, a few good friends and a wedding for Chanyeol to reach her but when he finally does - he did it, <i>he's home</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the long way home

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope I've done your prompt some justice, though I apologise if this isn't what you had in mind. This is my favourite kind of baekyeol and I had fun writing this! I'd like to give all my thanks and love to J, who I could not have made it through these past few months without.

“Chanyeol, I’m about to ask you a very important question and it’s a matter of life or death for me.” Baekhyun slings her tattered red backpack into the empty seat beside Chanyeol’s, slamming a fist on the table. “As my best friend, I trust that you’ll make the right decision to save my ass.”

Chanyeol drops the spoon he has in his hand and it falls with a _clang_ into his bowl of his pea soup, a cafeteria favourite. He dramatically clutches at his chest, a triumphant gleam in his eyes staring into Baekhyun’s. “Oh my god, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me this for so long – _yes_ , you really need to cut down on the bagels because your ass is really bulging in those jeans.” His answer does absolutely no good for him as Baekhyun raises her hand to slap him across the face with it. Immediately, he holds his cheek in his palm and loudly winces.

“You are despicable,” she hisses as she sits down next to him, a frown settling on her face. Chanyeol catches the subtle glances she darts downwards towards her jeans and then around the cafeteria. A few onlookers watching them snicker behind their hands and her cheeks flush a deep red.

“Relax,” he says coolly as if she hadn’t just tried to dehandsomise his face, “I was just kidding. Your ass is not that half bad.”

Baekhyun throws him a murderous look he finds to be absolutely adorable but the subject of her ass is dropped when she sets down a thick, seemingly dusty textbook that he recognises to be from their music class. Chanyeol gives his best friend a questioning glance as she starts batting her mascara-free eyelashes at him. “I love you, my bestest best friend in the whole entire world, with all my heart and I just really wanted you to know that.”

Chanyeol glares at her for a second before turning his attention to her textbook. “Again? You didn’t do the homework _again_?”

“I meant to do it last night but I completely forgot and took a nap instead,” she sheepishly smiles at him.

He sighs, pushing his bowl of pea soup out of the way. Eating can wait when the wrath of the college’s scariest teacher looms over his best friend’s head because effectively, it’s over his head too. It takes him back to all the times she’d landed herself in detention for not doing her  
homework and Chanyeol had to break her out every time.

After fixing his expression into a ‘disapproving father’ look, he pulls out his pen with a shake of his head. “I am going to ground you for an entire term, you delinquent child.”

Baekhyun puts on her signature pout and it’s right there and then that Chanyeol knows he is a goner. “I’ll do all your nasty ass laundry for a week.”

He mentally curses the subtle dimple etched into her skin just below her lips. He knows himself better than anyone – better than his own _mother_ – and this side of her is one of his weaknesses. This and basically every other side too, he internally winces, cursing himself for being susceptible to the charms of Byun Baekhyun.

What can this poor man do to save himself? Absolutely nothing.

“Don’t mix reds with the whites and remember to wash the blacks separately,” he grumbles under his breath as he tears his eyes away from her. "What do you need help with?”

She flips her textbook open to the right page, gesturing to the information on theories and various composition diagrams printed on it before flipping to the next page and the next and the next and –

“Holy mother of –“ He lets out a shocked gasp, breath trembling as she finishes flipping over seven pages.

“I forgot to mention that I forgot to do last week’s work too…and also the questions from the week before…but it’s not much, I promise!”

Chanyeol positively scowls at her sheepish grin. “Well, shit.”

_Damn her to hell._

 

Much to his dismay, Chanyeol manages to complete all seven pages of Baekhyun’s homework himself without even realising it as Baekhyun is left quietly asleep in the makeshift nest of her arms. He doesn’t particularly want to wake her up, despite the bell going off to signal that it’s time for their last few lectures for the day.

He grabs her bag and wedges her notes in between random pages of her textbook before dropping it in, instantly frowning at how heavy it made her bag. He decides to wear it on his back underneath his own before letting the conflict of waking her up and letting her play sleeping beauty defeat him. Nudging her gently, he leans down and brushes a few strands of her hair out of her face.

It’s not exactly easy to hold back – not when Baekhyun looks so peaceful and angelic, her eyelashes softly gracing the planes of her cheeks, lips so full and so tempting it makes him suddenly ache to reach out and touch them with his fingertips, the wonder of her features staying so elegant even when she’s asleep. It turns Chanyeol’s stomach upside down at all the _want_ , instant desire coursing through his veins like it’s always done since, well, Chanyeol can’t even remember, but it’s there like he’s always been by Baekhyun’s side.

“Baek,” he whispers, voice careful and almost breathless. “C’mon, we have class.” He continues to lightly nudge her until she stirs from her slumber, grumbling something about wanting chicken for dinner under her breath. Chanyeol’s face breaks out into an adoring smile. _Typical,_ he coos.

She reaches out for her bag behind her but Chanyeol takes the opportunity to grab her hand and pull her up from her seat, wrapping an arm around her shoulder to keep her upright (and maybe just to keep her close to him). She rubs her eyes sleepily, following Chanyeol when he starts leading her through and out of the cafeteria.

“You can sleep in class, short stack.” He grins, momentarily hugging her tightly with his arm before letting it hang loosely over her shoulders again.

“Shut up, you fucking giant,” Baekhyun mutters sluggishly, a lazy groan following her words.

Chanyeol laughs and opens the door for the both of them, but says nothing.

_Typical._

 

///

Anyone could ask Park Chanyeol how he feels about Byun Baekhyun and every time, he will give you the generic ‘she’s just my best friend’ answer.

He’s lying.

While he’s telling you that they’re just friends, he will be thinking about the way her eyes crinkle at the corners when she laughs, the way her eyebrows furrow when she’s in deep thought, the way she wears the hood of her favourite black hoodie (the one he gave her for her sixteenth birthday) whenever she sleeps, the way she carries herself with her headstrong determination and mischievous demeanour – every little thing about her will flash right through his eyes in that one second he takes to say ‘best friends’.

Becoming friends with Baekhyun was simple. He had moved into the house coincidentally next to hers right after finishing kindergarten halfway across the country and met the girl out on her front lawn. He found her playing soccer and shyly hid behind his mother as she asked her if he could play with her. Baekhyun had flashed him a boyish grin, kicked the ball towards  
him and asked him his name.

It got easier when he was introduced to his new class in his new school to new people, with one familiar face sitting in the middle of the class. Baekhyun had requested for him to be placed in the seat next to hers and from that day on, Baekhyun had become not just the girl next door but his only friend in an alien environment. She didn’t seem to have any other friends, which he noticed when no one else approached her during break times to play, but she looked like she didn’t care. He would be her friend.

During the weekends, Chanyeol would invite Baekhyun over his house to play while he would spend most weekdays over hers. Their families formed a close bond after quickly acquainting themselves with each other and, rather proud, Chanyeol loved every second of it. He’s never been surrounded by so many people he wanted to love and be around before.

As years passed, they continued to grow up inside their own little bubble, inseparable to the point of no return. Baekhyun made up for everything Chanyeol lacked in life while Chanyeol made sure to keep Baekhyun, whose head was always in the clouds, grounded and right next to him where his heart told him she belonged.

(He likes to think that from day one, this – their _best friend_ ship – was meant to be.)

Moving into the house next to Baekhyun’s was just something his family did. There’s nothing special about moving, making new friends and starting over, but for Chanyeol meeting Baekhyun was a blessing.

(It still is.)

And what about Baekhyun? What would she say if you asked her how she feels about Chanyeol?

Nothing much, probably. They’re just as stubborn as each other, always skirting around the unknown because maybe they’re just too scared.

Instead, she would just tell you to read between the lines.

///

 

One thing Chanyeol has learnt about Baekhyun through the years is that she is daring and spontaneous at (most) times. He’s learnt this through the countless number of times he’s had to yank his bedroom window open at ungodly hours of the night to let her in, way back in middle school and all the way through high school.

She would pick fights with her father one night and turn up outside his window in her usual hoodie and sweatpants attire, throw herself onto his bed once he’s closed his window and muffle ‘thank god your room is on the first floor’ into his pillow. On another night, her mother would be working until late even though they’re the only nights she has Baekhyun and she’d feel too lonely to stay in an empty apartment with only the discomfort of silence. Sometimes, and this didn’t happen as often as the other times, she’d just appear without a reason and wordlessly demand Chanyeol to cuddle her to sleep. He’d just take it in stride and blame it on her time of the month.

Although they’ve grown out of high school now, it’s still the same. It’s become more of a habit really, minus the window. She’ll just turn up on his dorm room doorstep in her black hoodie and best sweatpants and Chanyeol will chide her for breaking the rules, but he’ll let her in anyway because what are friends for?

He doesn’t ask why she chooses to spend most of her nights with him, of course. He never has. If it gives him a reason to hold her in his arms then it’s enough.

This time, she brings a large bag of popcorn and a movie. Chanyeol rolls his eyes as she squeals while putting _Transformers_ into his laptop (because it’s Baekhyun’s favourite movie and she has this weird thing for moving human cars that he really doesn’t understand). She scoots up on his bed until she’s leaning on the headboard and props her legs up on Chanyeol’s lap, wiggling her toes. He wrinkles his nose at her but laughs when she threatens to beat him up with his pillow.

Baekhyun is curled up into herself under his sheets by the time the movie ends, almost asleep. Chanyeol quietly pushes himself off his bed and treads into the bathroom to wash up. He hurries to pat his face dry after washing it and then moves on to brush his teeth, glancing into his cupboard for the pale green toothbrush Baekhyun usually leaves behind.

“Hey come wash your teeth, you hobo,” he mumbles around a mouthful of toothpaste. “I’ll wake up to your terrible morning breath otherwise.” He hears the creak of his bed as a reply, imagining her tossing and turning around in it like she always does because she once said it’s not as comfortable for her without him under the sheets with her.

Only a few seconds pass until Baekhyun is beside him at the sink, yanking her toothbrush and the toothpaste out of his hands. “You’re really ugly when you wake up so shut up, Park Chanyeol.” She shakes her head, sighing with disapproval before she starts to brush. She doesn’t notice the slight grin that makes its way onto Chanyeol’s face, but he bends down to rinse just to hide it.

He stands up straight once he’s done and rolls his sleeves up, ready to hold her hair up for her. “You should look at yourself in the mirror in the morning to know what ugly is.” This earns him a hard stomp on one of his feet and an elbow to the ribs, causing him to wince and step back in pain. “You are an absolute terror.”

“And you,” she mutters before spitting into the sink, “are a real trooper for putting up with me for so long.”

Chanyeol shrugs, holding her hair firmly as she starts washing her mouth and face with cold water. “I totally deserve an award for it.” He grins at her when she turns her head to narrow her eyes at him. Then Baekhyun looks away, back to the sink, and the softest expression makes its way across his face, a wide smile breaking out until it reaches his eyes because this – caring for Baekhyun in the littlest of ways – is simply enough to nurse his adoration for her. “I’m not just putting up with you,” he says with finality.

Baekhyun finishes washing up and Chanyeol grabs a small towel from the rack to pat her face dry with it. “I know, I know,” she exhales. “I’m sleepy.” He nods, grabbing her wrist and gently dragging her back to his bed. Like always, as part of this routine, he throws down the covers to tuck her in before sliding in next to her, pulling the blanket up to their chins once he’s comfortable.

“Night, Channie.” Baekhyun’s voice is light and airy to his ears, though she’s using a tone that only comes out when she’s dead tired.

He winds an arm around her waist and leans his face on the planes of her back. “Sleep well, Baek.”

 _This is enough_ , he reminds himself over and over again. This will always be enough for him.

 

On some mornings, Chanyeol will wake up to the sound of Baekhyun’s voice echoing through the walls of his bathroom, singing tunes that he is too half-asleep to recognise. He’ll wake up, rest his head on the pillow she used and listen carefully to every note she reaches and every word she sings because her voice manages to make any kind of lyric sound like heaven.

While he listens, he often thinks about how unusual yet so completely normal, _so right_ , their friendship is; like the random sleepovers at twenty that have changed tremendously from their thirteen year old selves. None of it is ever prepared anymore yet they’re somehow expected, leaving bits and pieces of themselves in every nook and cranny until the room that isn’t their own feels more like their _only_ _home_ , taking care of each other with untimed touches that don’t particularly cross the borders of their friendship yet are so intimate and soft that it’s all just as natural.

Chanyeol wonders if, perhaps in another life where he is not so much of a coward, this is be the kind of life they’d live together until they’re grey; unchanging.

He adores Baekhyun with his entire being – how could he not when he’s grown up with this feeling engraved into his heart? – but he’s fearful of the day he’ll accidentally slip up and get _too close_ that she’ll find out and push him away for crossing the line. Still, despite the way he acts when he’s with her, Baekhyun’s never once complained so that is incentive enough for him to carry on.

(Neither of them wants to lose what they have, is all.)

Baekhyun walks out of the bathroom wearing one of Chanyeol’s white tees and her sweatpants from the night before. Chanyeol’s breath hitches and it takes all of his will not to stare for too long. _God_ , Baekhyun is so breathtaking and he can’t handle it.

She stands in front of his mirror, hand poised with her towel to dry her hair. Chanyeol stares and lies idly on his bed watching her. He wants to reach out and place his hands over hers, dry her hair for her and then hold her face in his hands and tell her that she’s beautiful or maybe just rest his hands on her hips and tell her _no,_ she can’t wear his shirt because she wears it too well and it’s not making it easy for him.

He doesn’t do any of that but there it is again, always under his skin and in his blood. Desire.

 

A usual day in Chanyeol’s college life consists of composition study in the morning, a small nap back in his room before lunch and a visit to the music department in the afternoon where his small group of friends spend their last few hours of the day pretending they don’t have projects to prioritise. Their first year flew right by in the blink of an eye, but here they are sluggishly dragging themselves through their second.

He studies composition while Baekhyun studies vocal performance, like they’ve always dreamed of while they were growing up. Every time he passes through the department’s doors, Chanyeol briefly remembers the time they’d stayed up all night talking about the future, how Chanyeol wanted to make the music Baekhyun would sing to and their dreams of becoming this superstar music duo together.

And here he is, working his way to living his dream with Baekhyun by his side.

“Did you get my lunch?” Baekhyun beams up at him when he walks through the doors of their studio.

He nods, grabs the paper bag he’d bought earlier on and threw it across the piano at her. “Chicken and bacon on wheat, check!”

She squeals and jumps on the spot as she opens the bag, eyes glittering with hunger. She briefly looks at him before starting on her sandwich. “I love you so much, oh my god.”

Chanyeol’s throat and chest constricts at her words and he can feel the heat rushing through his veins all the way up to his face. _Me too,_ he wants to say. Instead he clears his throat, takes a seat next to Kyungsoo and breathes out shakily. “You need to fix your diet,” he mutters absently under his breath.

Yixing takes one look at him and snorts. “Weak,” he whispers. Scowling, Chanyeol elbows him in the ribs.

Baekhyun clasps her hands together and leans on the piano. Behind her, Kyungsoo takes out his composition notes and Chanyeol promptly wonders what their agenda is today.

“Right, first of all I have an announcement for you kids!” He grins to himself because Baekhyun is positively perky today and it makes his heart swell; a happy Baekhyun is a happy Chanyeol. Her mouth is also stuffed with food and it’s a little gross but Chanyeol thinks she still looks the prettiest.

“We’re the same age, Baekhyun. Stop calling us kids.” Kyungsoo frowns, but his despair is ignored.

“I’m afraid that you’re still the maknae of this quartet so as the eldest and default leader, you are still classified as a child.” Baekhyun grins at a scowling Kyungsoo, but the latter doesn’t say anything more. “As I was saying, I have really good news for us so listen up.”

“She’s pregnant,” Yixing whispers in Chanyeol’s ear.

“And you’re dead to me,” he replies calmly, despite the drain of colour from his face and the immediate clenching of his fists.

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow at the two, having not heard the exchange while finishing her sandwich, then shrugs and clears her throat. “The head of the drama department has requested that we, the coolest kids of the music department, come up with a song for their upcoming musical production! Can I get a _whoop whoop_?”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows scrunch together in a worried pull. “Isn’t the musical in like, two weeks’ time?”

“ _Kim Junmyeon_ is asking us to do something for him?” Yixing asks incredulously. “He’s always been kind of, y’know, the guy who does everything himself. What exactly did he say?”

Baekhyun rolls her eyes and clutches her chest. “I give you the news of an opportunity to get extra credit for your – _our_ – goddamn grades and you doubt me. I am personally hurt over this.”

“Wait,” Chanyeol pipes up, “Kim Junmyeon as in the Junmyeon who scored that one cameo in a TV drama and became campus-wide famous for it?”

“I’m pretty sure there’s no other Kim Junmyeon around,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath but well aware that the taller man could hear him. Chanyeol nudges his side, about to speak up but Baekhyun beats him to it.

“Since you guys are having trouble believing that I’m here to save your asses, I’ve brought Junmyeon oppa along to explain things.”

Chanyeol’s stomach painfully drops to his stomach. He stares at Baekhyun with disbelieving eyes, suddenly a little disturbed. “ _’Junmyeon oppa’_? You call him oppa?”

“Someone is a little jealous.” Yixing snickers. “But then again, she _is_ older than you so she can’t exactly call _you_ oppa…” He’s about to say more but Chanyeol throws him a pointed glare. With an amused smile on his lips, Yixing takes the hint and proceeds in shutting up.

“Yeah, what about it?” Baekhyun places her hands on her hips, which Chanyeol finds both scary and attractive at the same time. However, it doesn’t do anything to help the ugly churn in his gut.

“Nothing,” he murmurs, sheepishly lowering his head to the floor. Maybe the furnished wooden floors of the music room will be more interesting than this.

Baekhyun dismisses the uncertain looks on her friends’ faces, turning around to open the door. She pops her head out into the hallway and Chanyeol can hear a muffled face who he assumes to be Junmyeon. His best friend then quickly exits the room, closing the door behind her.

He turns to Kyungsoo. “She calls him oppa. How does she know him?”

Kyungsoo blinks at him, a blank expression on his face. “I don’t know, Chanyeol, they go to the same college…”

“Apart from that,” Chanyeol throws his hands up in exasperation. “I’ve never even seen her talk to him before. Who the heck is this Junmyeon?”

“I think you’re beginning to overthink things here, my dear friend.” Yixing scoots closer to him, placing his hand on his friend’s shoulder. Kyungsoo nods in agreement. “Junmyeon has only recently asked her for a favour so maybe they’ve only _just_ met properly. Don’t forget he’s in the year above, so it’s nothing much.”

Kyungsoo lets out a whistle under his breath. “That’s the most uplifting thing I’ve ever heard you say before.” Yixing shrugs his shoulders with a proud smile on his face that Chanyeol can only choose to ignore.

He shakes his head and sighs. “You’re right, it’s probably nothing. She’s just calling him oppa out of respect, that’s all. I’m sure this Junmyeon sunbaenim will be of great help to us.”

“Your positivity will be greatly rewarded!” Yixing comments. Even Kyungsoo is grinning while shoving a thumbs up in his direction, which he takes is a positive sign for his future and soon enough, he feels a widening smile surface onto his face until the three of them start laughing to themselves, giggles all around until the door bursts open again and Baekhyun returns.

She looks at them with a look of mock disgust. “See, this is why you need me in your lives. I make you look good.”

The three men stop laughing, clearing their throats and facing forward ready to greet Junmyeon. Baekhyun smiles brightly at Chanyeol for a moment. It’s so heart-splitting that he can feel the flowers beginning to bloom in between his ribcage until it almost feels like his heart is about to explode in his chest. Then she turns away, leaves him with daisies crawling out of his mouth and carnations wringing his neck, to introduce Junmyeon.

An awestruck Chanyeol fails to pick up his fallen jaw and he doesn’t realise it until he catches Junmyeon staring at him rather weirdly. Yixing jolts him back into the room with a nudge on the knee. He feels positively like an idiot.

“Hello,” Junmyeon starts. Chanyeol listens, watches, judges his perfected preppy appearance, and suddenly feels like he’s in high school again, staring up at his homeroom teacher. Junmyeon is wearing a white collared-shirt under his pale yellow sweater, grey slacks and – if Chanyeol discreetly manouvers his eyes downwards – sleek black loafers. He faintly thinks of the loafers his father used to wear, the ones that now collect dust in the back of his own closet that he’s far too embarrassed to use for himself. There’s a brown messenger bag slung over one of Junmyeon’s shoulders and he looks all too much like the poster boy for their college. Chanyeol thinks of how he must look in Junmyeon’s eyes and mentally scowls; his ripped black jeans and plaid shirt are nothing compared to how good the older man looked.

None of them seem to be able to say anything to him. All three nod their heads in greeting while Baekhyun sends comforting smiles at Junmyeon, only once darting her attention back to Chanyeol for a fleeting moment. Chanyeol’s heart sinks but he chants in his head, _it’s nothing it’s nothing_ until he gathers himself together.

“As I’m sure Baekhyun has already told you, the drama department personally wants you to compose and write a song for our upcoming musical.” Junmyeon grins at them. “It’s in two weeks’ time, yes it’s short notice, but it counts towards your final grades for this year and I think it would look awesome on future applications. You get to work with each other and independently, hone your skills to bring your talent to life – it’ll be worthwhile, I promise.”

Baekhyun claps once he’s done talking, a certain gleam in her eye Chanyeol can’t decipher. Beside him, Yixing hums under his breath in contemplation. “Are you sure you want us for this job, Junmyeon sunbaenim?”

Junmyeon lets out an airy laugh, nodding his head enthusiastically. “No need for the sunbaenim, Yixing, it’s quite alright.” Then he turns to Baekhyun and says, “Just like there’s no need for the oppa, okay? Same goes for hyung and such. Formalities make me feel old.” Yixing grins and gives him a thumbs up, a sign Chanyeol takes as approval but one that doesn’t quite sit well with him.

Kyungsoo turns to Junmyeon this time, ready to ask another question. Chanyeol wonders if he has to ask one too, or if he even has to speak, but he meets eyes with Baekhyun. Her stern look of _be nice or I’ll tear your lucky boxers in half_ tells him he needs to at least try and be sociable.

“Thank you for this opportunity, Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo says politely with a small bow of the head. “This is beneficial for both the drama and music department, so I’m officially in. We’ll have to discuss more details though, about the song.”

“It’s certainly no problem! I’ve already given Baekhyun the specifications of what the drama department wants from you, all you need to do is play around with it and work your magic.” Chanyeol almost gags at how sickeningly bright Junmyeon’s smile is, especially when the latter glances at Baekhyun to throw her an even brighter one. It’s even more terrible when Baekhyun returns it just as gracefully.

 _This is going to be a problem,_ he thinks. Yixing’s words of _it’s nothing_ earlier suddenly mean nothing to him, not with the looks the two give each other, not with the smiles that he knows are kinder than the ones she sends him. There is jealousy sitting in the pit of his stomach and he doesn’t like it, not one bit. Junmyeon is dangerous, he decides.

He doesn’t realise that during his internal battle with Junmyeon in his head that all eyes had drifted towards him, waiting for him to speak up. Junmyeon especially looks interested in what he has to say, a small knowing smile on his lips. Chanyeol’s stomach turns. If only he could wipe that smile off of his face…

“Um,” he starts, but struggles to find more words. They’re still looking at him expectantly, Baekhyun more so than the others. “This means a lot, Junmyeon. Thank you.” Surprisingly, it manages to come out calmer than he expected it to. Junmyeon smiles at him politely, though it doesn’t reach his eyes like when he had smiled at Baekhyun. Chanyeol forces a smile in return and then directs his attention to Baekhyun.

“Let me know what I have to do,” he mutters. “I’m gonna go grab something to eat.” He stands up ready to leave, ignoring the looks of protests from Yixing and Kyungsoo, and bows towards Junmyeon’s direction because even though the older man makes him feel unsure of himself, he’s still a senior and Chanyeol is simply respectful.

He meets Baekhyun’s eyes before he reaches the door. She walks around the piano to grab his hand and her touch is so warm and homely that Chanyeol almost doesn’t want to leave.

“I’ll stop by later, okay?” She whispers, a concerned glint in her eyes. She squeezes his hand, squeezes his heart, and lets go. Chanyeol doesn’t understand what any of it means. He nods and makes for the door.

He risks a glance back at Baekhyun before the door shuts, catches sight of Junmyeon tugging at her hand behind the piano where their friends can’t see, and his heart drops.

 

True to her word, Baekhyun stops by right before the lights in Chanyeol’s dorm building go out later that night. Her hood is pulled up over her head and her hands are shoved into the pockets of her grey sweatpants. Chanyeol musters a smile as he lets her in, but it quickly falls from his face when her back is turned.

“I don’t feel like sleeping in my room tonight,” she says as she jumps onto his bed.

Leaning on the back of his door, he rolls his eyes. “You never do, Baek. That’s why you’re always here.”

Baekhyun shrugs and climbs under his blankets, smoothing out the creases on his pillow before lying her head on it. “You’re the only home I know, Park Chanyeol.”

He shakes his head and maybe his heart is jumping erratically in his chest, but he doesn’t understand any of it; how can he so easily lose himself with her words? It’s not fair, not fair at all that she gets to catch Junmyeon’s attention and still have Chanyeol’s heart in her hands, even if she doesn’t know it. Or maybe he’s just weak, too weak to pry Junmyeon’s hands away from hers although he had no chance. But then again, he figures it’s just the jealousy from earlier talking that he hasn’t quite let go of yet.

“You’re lucky you haven’t gotten into trouble for sneaking into this place after curfew.” He snorts. He walks over to his closet and pulls out a random shirt to change into, quickly changing before Baekhyun could start poking fun at his little chubby stomach and his lack of abs. “But I’m not complaining because I hate sleeping alone.” _I hate sleeping without you next to me._

“Aw, does someone miss his mommy?” Baekhyun says in a baby voice. She starts laughing under his blanket and Chanyeol can feel himself laughing along because her laugh is absolutely contagious and all sorts of wonderful. In her voice, he finds composure. He forgets about earlier, about Junmyeon, and focuses on the wonders of Baekhyun’s laugh because this is one of the many things about Baekhyun he gets to keep for himself and he cannot, will not, share.

“Funny.” He pokes her tongue out at her. She pats the space on the bed beside her and he’s suddenly being pulled in without any effort at all. “Actually, I do miss my mommy and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.”

Baekhyun buries herself in the crook of Chanyeol’s neck after he makes himself comfortable in his own bed, throwing her arm around his waist like always. Chanyeol tenses slightly but hopes she doesn’t think anything of it.

“Ah, my little Baby Park.” She sniffles. “You’ve grown up to be such an independent young man.”

“I am honestly about to throw you out of the window.”

“You’re a weak man, you can’t even lift weights.”

Offended, Chanyeol gasps and angles his head away from hers. Baekhyun laughs, closes her eyes and tucks herself into him. “Excuse me, the only reason I can’t lift you if because you’re so goddamn heavy.”

Baekhyun pinches his side and he winces loudly. “What was that?”

He lets out a whine, but clears his throat anyway. “I meant that you are a perfectly good weight and I am just a weak, puny little man against you.” _In many ways more than one,_ Chanyeol wants to laugh ironically.

When Baekhyun nods against him and throws her feet over his under the blanket, he knows that all is well again. He doesn’t think much of the way she clings to his shirt or the way her legs eventually cross themselves with his own, doesn’t question her warmth buried in his neck or the way she fits into him so well and so easily that his arms become a nest of home as he wraps them around her. He doesn’t think much of anything when it comes to Baekhyun, only thinks about how selfish it is to have her here but to not have her the way he wants – but that’s because they’re best friends, and maybe this is the way they show it.

“I have something to ask of you,” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol hums in response. “You know how I haven’t had my first kiss yet?”

Chanyeol nods, closes his eyes and tries not to dread where this is going. Baekhyun’s never talked about kisses or displays of affection – she does more than she says, but only to the limit of sleepovers with Chanyeol. “I have a feeling I won’t like where this is going,” he mutters. He thinks of Junmyeon all of a sudden, how his hand longed for Baekhyun’s back in the music room, touch lingering past Chanyeol’s eyes. A strong churn in his gut tells him that maybe this is something to do with him.

“I’ve never kissed anybody before. Never really been with another guy before, never held hands with someone other than you,” Baekhyun continues. “I’m already twenty and I haven’t had many firsts or any at all, and I was thinking…”

Chanyeol braces himself for it, for the name to slip out of her mouth and crush his heart. He hums again to let her know he’s listening but he can’t say a word. _This is it,_ he thinks, _this is the end._

“You’re exactly the same, right? You’ve never been kissed, you’ve never kissed, heck – you’ve never had a girlfriend before –“

“If you’re just going to make fun of me, I’m going to sleep,” he huffs.

“No no!” Baekhyun chuckles. Her laugh vibrates against his skin and it makes him shiver. “What I’m trying to say is that, I want to be all of your firsts and I want you to be all of my firsts. Who else better to do all those kinds of things with than your very own best friend?” Chanyeol’s breath hitches and gets caught in his throat.

Thoughts of Junmyeon return to being nothing as now his head begins to fill itself with the possibilities of Baekhyun’s request. He contemplates for a second the risks - his own heartbreak being the main one because it feels an awful lot like Baekhyun is gearing herself up for bigger things - but the more he overthinks it the more he realises that this is something he’s spent every waking moment of his life dreaming about ever since he met her. This is everything he’s ever desired, being offered to him by the very person he’s given his heart away to, so who is he to refuse it now?

“What exactly do you mean, Baekhyun?” He asks breathlessly.

She shrugs and sighs against him. “I can’t go around doing any of that with a random guy and you’re the only one I trust with my life. I want you to be my first kiss before anything else. It’s a little embarrassing to be twenty something and never been kissed, to be honest. Then every other first after that.”

Chanyeol feels his cheeks burn up at the thought of _other firsts_ because he’s sure Baekhyun is suggesting something a little more intimate than just kissing. It’s better to be sure, in case he ends up humiliating himself in the future, so he asks, “You want me to be the first person you ever sleep with?” And he couldn’t have put it more bluntly.

Baekhyun squeaks, all shy and suddenly unlike her normal self. Chanyeol can’t help but wonder what’s brought all of this on. “Yes, nimrod, that’s what I’m saying. Unless that’s a little too weird for you, then we can just make out or something. Oh god, I feel weird for asking now.”

“No, don’t be.” Chanyeol chuckles under his breath, gently squeezes her in his arms in reassurance and smiles. “We both get something out of this, right? We get rids of the firsts and we won’t feel so much like a couple of losers?” Baekhyun nods silently.

Chanyeol is sure he can do this – he’ll do anything Baekhyun asks, honestly, but _this_ is something else and he’s not exactly sure if this will go down well. On one hand, he’ll finally fulfil his dreams and have no shame in kissing his best friend because she asked him to, but on the other hand he’ll feel nothing _but_ shame because Baekhyun feels nothing for him and he’s simply letting himself be used.

 _What do I have to lose, though?_ He asks himself. _If I can have her even just for a little while, it’s enough. It’s enough._

“Alright,” he finds himself saying too easily. “I’ll do it. This is the weirdest thing you’ve ever asked of me, but I’ll do it. Spontaneously, though, there has to be a moment. That’s my only condition here.”

Baekhyun is so quiet for a while that Chanyeol begins to think she’s fallen asleep. She hasn’t, he finds when she tilts her chin to look up at him and their eyes meet. A small understanding passes between them and with their locked gazes, they seal their promise.

“Thank you, Chanyeol.” Her voice is soft and quiet and it reminds Chanyeol of home. She tucks herself back into his hold and closes her eyes again.

Chanyeol leans his cheek on the crown of her head and closes his eyes. “Goodnight, Baek.” _I love you._

 

Later, dead into the night, he wakes up to find Baekhyun curled up against the wall with her back to him. She looks so small and dainty, even in the same old hoodie she should’ve grown out of by now. Chanyeol shifts onto his side, takes a risk by inching closer to her until their bodies are basically glued together, lets his heart roam free to do what it wants in the safety of night and places an arm over her waist, his hand resting on top of hers.

There will be more of this, he reminds himself. More of Baekhyun without the hesitant excuses he makes up for himself, even if it’s just until they run out of firsts. It’s only then with that thought he calmly falls asleep again, with Baekhyun in his arms, in his mind and his heart.

 

///

 

A few days later, Chanyeol is with Kyungsoo in the soundproof music room with his guitar out and composition book open on top of the table. Kyungsoo is busy exercising his vocal chords, mulling over every note he can reach until it’s perfect, while Chanyeol strums matching chords to help him.

He faintly thinks of Baekhyun, who is probably working on the lyrics of their song all the way in his room. She had barged in early in the morning and claimed that it was the only place she could work peacefully. He left her to grab breakfast for the both of them, returned to remind her to eat and left to go meet up with Kyungsoo.

They haven’t done anything since Baekhyun brought up her suggestion and it makes him a little antsy in anticipation, even though he was the one who said it should be spontaneous. He finds himself grinning at the thought of it all, even giggling to himself at all the possibilities he could imagine.

“You’re smiling like an idiot, are you okay?” Kyungsoo whacks him across the head with his composition book. “What did Baekhyun do?”

“Baekhyun did nothing,” he replies smoothly. _Except for complete me._ “I am simply very happy today.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, shrugs and sits down. “Well, we need a sad song for this musical so please stop being happy and make sad tunes on your guitar. Think Taylor Swift. Yes, that’s what we should do. Think Taylor Swift, be Taylor Swift.”

Chanyeol eyes him questioningly, fingers drumming along his guitar. “Taylor Swift isn’t _my_ idol, Kyungsoo. She’s yours. Baekhyun is my idol.”

“Yes, I know that, but where is the sad music. We need sad music!”

“Yixing is better at coming up with sad music than I am,” he says. “Go find him and remind him of his old high school crush and he’ll probably burst out crying.”

Kyungsoo looks out at the window wistfully. “Ah yes, it’s a shame Wufan had to leave.” Chanyeol nods in agreement. “I still reckon they keep in touch though. You’d think Yixing spends a lot of time doing homework on his laptop but trust me, his Skype window is always open,” he adds.

They return to their comfortable silence then, a kind accompanied by Chanyeol’s guitar to make the mood. They don’t manage to compose anything for a while, but Chanyeol figures there’s still time.

It’s around four the afternoon when Yixing bursts through the door with a McDonald’s paper bag in his hand and handful of fries stuffed in his mouth. Kyungsoo looks at him in disgust and Yixing flips him off.

“Guess what I saw just now?” He grins wide, smug. “A certain sunbae making out with a certain music major behind the bushes.”

Chanyeol pales and almost throws up on his own spit as he looks up from his guitar. Kyungsoo sighs, shaking his head. “You are a terrible friend.”

“Yixing, tell me you’re kidding,” Chanyeol whines.

His friend flashes him a devilish smile, complete with an eye roll, before throwing a fry at Chanyeol’s face. “That didn’t work. I thought you’d trip over your guitar rushing out to beat Junmyeon up, or something like that.”

“Nice try,” Chanyeol huffs. Relieved that Yixing is more of a giant liar than anything, he visibly deflates and slumps in his chair. “You are such a dick.”

His friend sticks his tongue out in retaliation before returning to his bag of fries. “But I did see Baekhyun going into the drama department a while ago. That was around the time I went to grab something to eat and as your best-but-not-Baekhyun friend, I waited around for a while for her to come out but then I had to pee. I left twenty minutes later, bought some fries and thought I should tell you.”

“I think that’s classified as stalking,” Kyungsoo says.

Yixing waves him off. “More like being a friend. I was watching out for her, bro.”

Chanyeol goes through the many scenarios floating around in his head, all the worst-case in his opinion. Baekyun visiting Junmyeon, spending time with him in his room doing God knows what until they lose track of time and Baekhyun forgets to come home, or maybe she’s just visiting to help him go through his lines for the musical and there’s a kiss scene – or worse, a bed scene – he needs help with and he more or less takes advantage of Baekhyun or –

“Well fuck,” he stutters. He stands up, shoves his guitar into Kyungsoo’s hands and runs out of the music room faster than he’s ever run in his entire life. He doesn’t think it through properly though because once he’s out of the music department, he’s torn on where to go next. Baekhyun is either in his room, in her room, in the library or with Junmyeon. Anywhere with Junmyeon is deemed dangerous to Chanyeol, so he can only hope she’s somewhere safe. As in, not with Junmyeon.

“Ah, fuck it.” He lets out a frustrated groan halfway into crossing the courtyard, almost headed towards the drama department but turns around and sprints back to his dorm building. “Let’s play with fate,” he tells himself. “If she’s there, you make a move. If she’s not, beat Junmyeon up. Sounds good enough, Chanyeol.”

Like a madman, he jumps over the flower beds and swerves around passing students until he reaches the entrance to the building. He runs and runs and runs with the hope of finding Baekhyun exactly where he left her earlier, anticipating relief but also disappointment at the same time, wondering if he’s overreacting to what Yixing said.

“Please be home.” He leans his head on his door, not yet ready to open it. He’s scared of what he’ll find – either a bed _without_ Baekhyun lying on top of it with her notebook out, or a bed _with_ Baekhyun lying on top of it with her notebook out. He will either be disappointed that she’s left him or relieved that she’s there but also terrified because what is he supposed to do next?

Frustrated with himself more than ever, he bangs his forehead on the door and groans. He’s overreacting, he knows it, but he’s paranoid more than usual. “Coward,” he whispers to himself.

The door swings open moments later and he yelps as he’s almost trips over his own feet at the doorway. Baekhyun is standing by the door, hand on the handle with a quizzical look on her face as if to question why the heck he just came flying into his own room.

Chanyeol stands upright, takes one good look at her and lets out a huge sigh of relief. Baekhyun looks unscathed and neat, just like the way she looked before he had left. Sure, she could’ve gone out and visited Junmyeon like Yixing had said, but Chanyeol’s eyes can’t seem to leave her.

 _She’s here, she’s home, she’s mine_.

Baekhyun is still looking at him with surprise and it makes Chanyeol feel a sense of pride because _yes,_ she’s right where she belongs. He steps forward, gathers his courage and all of his heart, tries hard not to breathe too loudly because he’s trembling uncontrollably now and towers over her. He shoves the door closed with his foot, eyes never leaving her.

“Chanyeol, are you okay?” She asks hesitantly, staring at him with the same puzzled expression.

He nods wordlessly, his hands coming up to cup her face. He holds her still and hears her breath hitch. Leaning his forehead down on hers, he finally lets out a shaky breath. “Baek, I…”

Baekhyun rests a hand over one of his, closes her eyes and steps close. Chanyeol suddenly can’t see where this is going, can’t tell where they’ll end up next. He can’t seem to play it through in his head like always, but he takes it as a sign. Gently like a feather upon a feather, he traces her cheeks with his thumbs and feels the slight flush in them, nuzzles her nose with his and feels her body shudder, ghosts his lips over hers and feels her cling to the hem of his shirt. He’s so close, closer than he’s ever been before, and his heart pounds at the warmth radiating from her skin.

Chanyeol leans in until there’s nothing left in between them. His eyes are closed and he’s already so out of breath, he can’t do anything more. It’s a simple press of the lips, fleeting and finished in a heartbeat, but in that one second, he feels everything. He’s stuck in time, in the moment with his best friend, in his sickening love for her and he doesn’t want out at all.  
When he pulls away, Baekhyun tugs on his shirt. “Wait,” she says. She sounds out of breath too, beautifully breathless like the way Chanyeol’s dreamed of. He opens his eyes but hers are still closed. She’s climbing up on her tiptoes, winding her arms around his neck while cursing his height under her breath. He almost laughs, but she’s pulling him in again before he could even make a sound.

Kissing Baekhyun is nothing like he had dreamed of. It’s slow and sloppy and definitely inexperienced but perfect in all the right ways. Chanyeol wraps an arm around her waist and rests a hand on her nape, hugging her close to his chest until she’s flush against him. Baekhyun opens her mouth to give him access and he doesn’t waste time in exploring her with his tongue. He had dreamed of seeing the sun and its gleaming rays while kissing Baekhyun but it’s different in reality; there are fireworks all over the place, wicked to the ear but enchanting to the eyes and he’s so, _so_ in love.

Time passes by slowly and neither pull away until their lungs begin to beg for air, but even then they can’t seem to let go. Only when Chanyeol remembers that this is for their firsts and they’re cheating with a second does he pull away with a tug on her bottom lip.

“Wow,” is all he can say as he attempts to look anywhere else but at Baekhyun. She hugs herself to him tighter, buries her face in his chest and he leans his chin on her head. “Not to be cliché and totally ruin the moment but, how was it?”

Baekhyun laughs, still breathless and the sound of it makes Chanyeol’s heart soar. “Amazing.” She leans back slightly, looks up at him and blinks. Chanyeol can’t quite decipher it, but there’s something in her eyes that are different than usual. She looks angelic like this, wrapped up in his arms, but now he can’t read her expression and it’s even more difficult to read her thoughts.

“Chanyeol, I –“ She starts, but doesn’t finish. She opens her mouth as if to say more but closes it quickly. Her eyebrows scrunch together in deep thought and _oh,_ what he would give to kiss the worry in them away.

“I wanted to tell you something,” she says moments later when it’s silent and she’s perfectly safe in his arms. “But I forgot what I was going to say.”

“That’s okay,” he replies, reaching out for her hand to pull her towards his bed. He falls down on top of his sheets first, tugs her down straight after and holds her again in his arms comfortably. She has her face nestled beneath his chin and her arm is slung over his chest. The fit is too easy, too natural, but that’s because it’s always been meant to be.

Chanyeol shuts his eyes tight. It’s too early to sleep and they haven’t even ate yet, but he doesn’t want to do anything else except for lay in bed with his best friend and lose himself in her. He knows this won’t last forever, a simple agreement of firsts he had selfishly desired, so he’s making the most of time and letting his heart win for a while. After all, what happens next?

 

It’s almost 10PM by the time he wakes up and Baekhyun is nowhere to be found next to him.  
He sits up immediately; alert and awake, regretting having fallen asleep. Where Baekhyun lay a few hours ago, where she should be, now remains just a bare space of silence. The heater in his room should be on as normal but it’s so cold without her, he feels empty.

Chanyeol runs a rough hand down his face, lets out a heavy sigh and scrambles out of bed. Baekhyun must have gone back to her room while he was asleep. He doesn’t know why though – this is the first time he’s woken up without her in a long time, the first and last being back in high school when her parents had forced her to come home. She had run away to his house after one of their fights, this time being the breaking point of their marriage, and refused to leave even when called. Chanyeol had spent until two in the morning convincing her that it would be okay, she would be okay even if her parents weren’t and she’ll always have a home with him.

It feels so long ago, even it’s only been a few years. Chanyeol has watched Baekhyun grow out of running away but she still appears on his doorstep every night without fail. He’s spent days and months and years watching little changes transform her into a mature woman but he’s also watched the same changes nurture her childish heart. What makes him the proudest of himself, of Baekhyun, is that he’s been there by her side almost his entire life.

He grabs his jacket from the door but stops before he could open it. He’s standing on the spot where he had held Baekhyun in a way he’s never done so before, where he had cradled her small and beautiful face in his hands and kissed her not once, but twice because there was something in him – in the both of them – telling them they needed more. He thinks of the way her lips, soft to the touch like the tip of a feather, felt against his and how his heart felt like it was about to burst as she wound into him closer and closer and an alien excitement bubbles in the pit of his stomach, hot and uncomfortable.

Chanyeol wills himself back into reality, forces himself to push the thoughts of their kiss into the back of his mind and leaves for Baekhyun’s. He would simply barge into her room, demand why she left him alone but act indifferently when she answers because he imagines her snarky answer of _I needed a shower,_ or something like that because that’s the Baekhyun he knows. He’d stay in her bed this time and wait for her, choose an opportune moment and decide if it was time to think or do.

“You’re going to march up there and tell her you love her,” he tells himself. It’s too late to go back, he’s on the elevator way past the third floor. Baekhyun is on the fifth, so it’s not long now. He shakes his head and shivers. “Okay, no. You’re going to march up there and kiss her again. You agreed for firsts but she’s going to need practice, right?”

He feels crazy and a little dazed when the doors open and he walks out into Baekhyun’s hallway. Her room is the furthest down the line and although there are only four rooms separating him from her and he’s walked the same path before, it feels longer this time; anticipation doesn’t speed things up for Chanyeol, it slows them down.

With no clear idea as to what he’d do when he sees her next, he braces himself. Maybe he could tell Baekhyun about his feelings, which would either end well for him or the both of them or terribly for him and the both of them. There was something in him telling him it’s the right time, perhaps fuelled by the kiss but a gut feeling nonetheless, yet the same feeling tells him no, he’s thinking too much with his heart than with his head.

Conflicted, he reaches for the door handle and rests his hand there. Is he ready to strip his heart of its chains to tell her what he’s spent all of his time hiding, to show her that their kisses had meant a little more to him than just getting it over with? His hands are clammy at the thought – this is the make or break of their friendship; he’s terrified.

“Man up, Chanyeol.” He inhales and exhales and wishes for his heart to calm down, but it’s hopeless. “You’re the boss. You can do this.”

Chanyeol takes a risk, clears his mind clear of doubt to let positivity in and pushes Baekhyun’s door. It swings open and slowly moves back to reveal her room, but he can’t seem to move from the doorway. His heart pauses, stops beating to crawl out of throat and throw itself onto the floor where it rolls underneath Junmyeon’s shiny black loafers because what he finds is said man’s shoes strewn beside the bed.

Junmyeon is towering over Baekhyun’s tiny figure on her bed, arms on either side of her head while her eyes are solely focused on the man above her. Junmyeon’s legs are wound around hers, two pairs mismatched on top of her worn out grey bedsheet covers, fully clothed but the sight of it makes Chanyeol want to fall on his knees and throw up.

Baekhyun looks up, startled when she hears his quiet intake of breath that even he himself didn’t know he let out, but is too frozen to move. “Chanyeol,” she whispers in an exhale.

Junmyeon pales, turns his head to look at Chanyeol but can’t get a read on the taller’s face. The latter’s eyes are glued to the floor in hopes that the loafers would burn under his gaze, but if he could gather the courage to look up and burn Junmyeon the same way, he would. He can’t bear to look at him right now, fearful that he might do something stupid, but even worse, he can’t bring himself to look at his best friend. He feels foolish and betrayed, like he’s prepared himself for a battle he went into blind and this, the image of Baekhyun and Junmyeon etched into the back of his eyelids, and he knows – he’s lost.

“Oh.” The word is barely audible in his own ears but the rest of the words he wants to say are lost, forgotten in the way Junmyeon has Baekhyun trapped in his arms. He steps back, keeps his head down and eyebrows furrowed together.

This is heartbreak, fourteen years’ worth, and he can’t handle it.

By the time Baekhyun jumps out from under Junmyeon, Chanyeol is gone.

///

 

“Are you gonna tell me what happened or should I ask Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo slumps down in the seat next to him, letting out a heavy sigh at Chanyeol’s dishevelled appearance and blank eyes.

Chanyeol stares straight ahead at his composition book. It’s blank and full of empty inspiration, little scribbles of Baekhyun’s name decorate the corners of a few pages but he ignores them. “Junmyeon is such a dick.”

“I sense that he has done something to mentally scar you,” Kyungsoo says. “Is it enough to generate sad music from your talented musician hands or is it too soon?”

“I refuse to do that stupid song for him. In fact, I don’t want to see hear or be anywhere near him.” Chanyeol angrily kicks the table legs, crossing his arms while his eyebrows come together in frustration. “Don’t ask.” He huffs wearily when he catches Kyungsoo about to open his mouth.

His friend mulls his thoughts over before voicing them. He watches Chanyeol carefully, analyses the evident eye bags that were not there two days ago. “I haven’t seen Baekhyun in a while,” he mutters.

Chanyeol shrugs sluggishly. “Neither have I.”

“Did something happen between you two…?”

He scoffs. Everything happened between them at the same time as nothing, and he can’t wrap his head around how quickly it all changed. He spent yesterday moping around under his covers, ignoring the insistent knocks and muffled voices echoing from out of his room. They sounded like Baekhyun mostly, with a mix of Yixing and, if he caught ear of it correctly once, Junmyeon. Chanyeol didn’t, doesn’t, want to see or talk to anyone. Kyungsoo is an exception because he’s not as annoying as Yixing.

Chanyeol shakes his head to reply. “Nothing happened. Listen, I don’t think I can work on the song anymore.” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him but Chanyeol just looks up into his eyes, pleading silently.

_If I do, I will hate them and I will hate Baekhyun the most, and I don’t want to._

Kyungsoo, the ever-understanding Kyungsoo, searches his eyes for answers but only gets a brick wall in response. He sighs, nods and offers his friend a weak smile. “I’ll let them know,” he says quietly.

Chanyeol returns the smile and says nothing.

 

Chanyeol manages to avoid Baekhyun and Junmyeon for the rest of the week. It’s not exactly easy, not when he’s spent his entire life glued to her side, but he just has to make sure he’s far away from his room when he doesn’t need to be in it because he knows that’s where Baekhyun will go looking for him. On some nights, Kyungsoo lets him crash in his room with his guitar, helping the man practice his melodies despite having said he wants no more part in the project.

He alternates going to the café a few blocks down the road and the public library across town, always in a hurry to get away from the person he wants to see most. He’s not quite ready to face her just yet, too afraid to give in. Sometimes he sees the image of the two together, legs flush against each other’s through black slacks and denim jeans, Junmyeon’s arms encasing her in his hold, Baekhyun’s red blush when she caught Chanyeol steeled by the door – sometimes he plays the moment in his head and throw his guitar at the wall, destroy the next best thing he loves because Baekhyun had fallen for someone that isn’t him.

Avoiding Baekhyun goes all a little too well up until a few nights before the musical. He’s in the music room with his notebook out on top of the piano and the contents of his pencil case scattered along the keys. This is his safe haven on the nights he misses her the most, opting to do his homework here instead of back in his room because his bed reminds him too much of what he had and lost and what could’ve been.

He doesn’t expect Baekhyun to bust through the door wearing her stubborn mask of determination and that familiar heat in her eyes. Chanyeol looks up from his work, surprised and at a loss of how to react.

Baekhyun stomps her way towards him, angrily slams her hands on the piano and he winces. “You,” she hisses, seething with something Chanyeol’s never seen from her before. “You, Park Chanyeol, are the worst best friend ever. You’ve been avoiding me, hiding from me – you quit Junmyeon’s project when we were all counting on you. What happened? Why haven’t I seen you in a week or – or heard your stupid voice in a week? Why are you here, doing next week’s homework when you should be in bed, waiting for me to knock on your door?”

Chanyeol scowls, staring down at the piano keys. “I’m busy, Baekhyun.”

“Too busy for me?” She scoffs. “You won’t pick up my calls, answer my texts – you’ve never been too busy for me.”

“Haven’t you maybe stopped to think that I’m finally prioritising what matters? We’re in college, not high school. I can’t be at your beck and call all the time anymore. I have my own degree to finish and my own future to build.”

Baekhyun laughs bitterly, moving over to where Chanyeol is sitting on the stool. She fists the collar of his shirt and pulls him up so that he’s standing upright, still towering over her. He can’t look at her, choosing to focus his eyes on the floor by the door. His limbs are numb and heavy; he can no longer feel Baekhyun’s warmth.

“I have been with you all my life to know that is complete and utter bullshit. Is this because of Junmyeon? Are you avoiding me because of Junmyeon?” Baekhyun’s anger comes out quiet and reserved, her voice shaky but steady at the same time. She tugs on his shirt, angling her head to mirror him when he tries to look away. “Look at me, you bastard.”

He can’t do it, not yet. He’s spent a few days trying to build walls against what has built up inside of him for years and years – all because this is heartbreak, this is the only way he knows how to deal with it.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun pleads. “Please look at me. Please answer me, tell me everything.”  
_It’s not fair,_ he thinks. Baekhyun gets to break his heart so easily, but her voice makes him think she wants to piece him together as if she wasn’t the one who had broken him in the first place. It’s not fair that he feels absolutely disgusted with himself when it should be Baekhyun that he hates, yet he still loves. It’s not fair that he feels used but still be at the mercy of his best friend when she had kissed him first before Junmyeon.

He looks at her this time, for the first time in a long while, and sees that she’s fine, she’s okay. Her eyes are so sad and so empty when she looks into his; he wonders what she’s thinking. He smiles, or tries to, and fights the desire to cradle her face in his hands.

Chanyeol wants to be angry, wants to fuel an argument with her so bad, but he is still a coward.

“I don’t want to see you for a while. I look at you and I feel things I shouldn’t, and I don’t like any of it one bit. I close my eyes and see things I don’t want to see, it makes me _hate_ myself.” Chanyeol is surprised at how steady his voice seems to come out. It’s bordering monotone but he figures it’s better than letting his anger and conflict show. “I don’t want you to be with Junmyeon, Baek. I don’t want you to be with anyone.”

Baekhyun’s hands fall from his chest, instead falling to her sides. She looks away, down at the floor, even though she asked for his attention in the first place. “Why not?” She asks.

“Because,” he finds himself starting but unable to finish. His answer doesn’t come easily – he can’t think of the right words to say. His head is spinning with thoughts he can’t organise and it hurts, hurts his head and his heart to have to dig through all of them to find an answer for Baekhyun and himself.

“Tell me and I’ll stop,” she whispers.

“Stop what?” he swallows his courage down. Baekhyun shrugs and keeps her silence. Exasperatedly, he sighs and darts his eyes to the ceiling. They sting, sting a lot, and he’s not sure if it’s tears or something else, but it hurts the way his chest hurts to be in front of Baekhyun and feel like this is the end of something that never had the chance to start.

“Why don’t you want me to be with Junmyeon or anyone else?” Baekhyun reaches out for him, wraps her hand around his wrist and holds it loosely.

Chanyeol can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t feel – Baekhyun is demanding something he can’t understand and he knows he can’t give, like always, but he doesn’t know what to say or do. “You just can’t,” he decides to answer instead. He hopes it’s enough, for now. “You can’t.”

Baekhyun bites her lip, lifts her head to look at him and says, “You’re a coward.” Her voice trembles and he can tell she’s tearing up, but he can’t bear to look at her right now. They can’t bear to show each other the only emotion they’ve ever known, but it comes out in reluctant tears in the corner of their eyes and Chanyeol, stubborn as if he had caught Baekhyun’s bad habits, is determined to keep face.

“You’re a coward, Park Chanyeol,” she says again. A small laugh escapes from her and it sounds so empty, it tugs on his heartstrings. “But I’m no better than you. You can’t give me what I’ve been begging for years, not even when I’m handing it out to you on a silver platter. I _hate_ you.” Chanyeol shuts his eyes tight, wills himself not to move and purses his lips. “I think it’d be best if we just quit while we’re at it.”

His eyes remain shut, even after Baekhyun lets go of his hand to walk away from him. Chanyeol stands in the middle of what no longer feels like home, letting his heart break itself open and apart into pieces that all have Baekhyun’s name engraved into them, because this feels awfully like a goodbye for a hello he never got to say.

He doesn’t move, doesn’t go back to his room for hours. This is silence in the worst possible way, but this is heartbreak – just not his own anymore.

 

///

 

Chanyeol wakes up to a red envelope sitting on his bedside table, covered in pearls and white lace. He rolls around in his bed, hands searching for his phone somewhere under his pillow while light seeps through his window but it’s dull and muted against his grey curtains.

There’s a text from Yixing ( _Hey, are you going…_ 7:51AM) but he doesn’t open it. It’s been a while since he last spoke to Yixing.

There’s a knock on his door and he grunts to acknowledge it. Kyungsoo walks in with a mug of coffee in his hands, places it on his table and sits on the edge of Chanyeol’s bed.

“Jongin says he won’t need you at the studio until later in the afternoon, so you can lie in a little longer if you want,” he tells him. Chanyeol nods, sitting up from his bed.

Jongin is Kyungsoo’s boyfriend, someone he had apparently met before he entered college. Chanyeol had no idea Kyungsoo was gay until he had told Chanyeol on their graduation day. It was unexpected and definitely something Chanyeol had no clue about, but then again, he’s spent his whole life looking at one person and one person only, he was blind to everyone and everything else. Nevertheless, Kyungsoo was his best friend long after he had faded away from Yixing, from _Baekhyun_ , and the new piece of information didn’t make him love him any less.

“Oh, and by the way. Yixing came by last night while you were out and said something about…” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes because the name Chanyeol has spent years forgetting is forbidden under the roof of their shared apartment. “I forgot to tell you because you were pretty much knocked out when you got home.”

“What does he want now?” Chanyeol groans.

He thinks of the last time he had spoken to Yixing, sometime after the musical. He had kept his distance from Baekhyun, like she had asked, and drifted away from the music room. The only place he felt safe and at peace was in Kyungsoo’s room, far from his own and far from Baekhyun’s. Yixing corned him one day, asked him why he wasn’t making music with them anymore, why felt like a stranger when he shouldn’t. Chanyeol gave him the answers he needed, told him it just wasn’t working out. He had said his heart wasn’t in the music anymore, and it was true. Baekhyun was his heart, his dreams of the future, and he had ruined it all.

“You’ve spent your whole life pining after Baekhyun and you’re going to let her go, just like that? You’ll be a fool to do so, Chanyeol.” Yixing said, eyes burning with disappointment.  
Chanyeol had shrugged his shoulders, looked down at his feet and said, “I don’t want to be tied down to her forever, not when she has someone else in mind.”

“There’s still time. Please, don’t let her go so easily. You can still make a move, just man up and do it already. She’s not…about Junmyeon – they’re not together.”

“But they will be,” he had muttered inaudibly. He shook his head at Yixing and turned to leave. Yixing had called out to him then, muttered something about Baekhyun that he couldn’t hear anymore. He doesn’t think much of it anyway.

“He left that invitation,” Kyungsoo says, pointing to the red envelope. He chews on his lip, suddenly look uncertain. “You should open it, Chanyeol. I think it’s important.”

Chanyeol just stares at it, not the least bit curious because it’s probably an invite for a small reunion from one of his old classmates. Whether it’s a blast from the past from high school or college, he doesn’t really care. He’s not one for going out anymore and that doesn’t particularly bother him; he stays safe in the comfort of his own home, using it as a physical barrier to separate him from the world.

He works nearby at a café owned by one of Jongin’s sisters, but it’s close enough that he doesn’t stray far past the corners of his street. Kyungsoo helps out sometimes, when he’s not busy working his own job, far more stable than Chanyeol’s. He’s an assistant teacher at the local preschool, spending his time cleaning up after kids and their tendency to spill paint all over the place, wiping the spit off of their faces once they wake up after nap time and playing along with their colourful imaginations at playtime. It suits Kyungsoo, though not as well as his dreams of becoming a singer like he was studying to be in college.

That was Kyungsoo’s dream, just like it was Chanyeol’s dream to stand up on stage and share the spotlight with none other than Baekhyun. Dreams don’t last very long, he’s realised, that’s why they’re just dreams.

“I have to go to work.” Kyungsoo sighs heavily, though Chanyeol knows he looks forward to seeing the faces of his students every day. “Clean up before you leave or I’ll strangle you. I’ll stop by Jongin’s when I’m done after work.”

Chanyeol nods, shuffling out of bed. “Alright, try not to come home covered in crayon or something, we’re running out of soap.”

Kyungsoo lets out a noise of distress before he exits the room. “Don’t forget to eat breakfast, you giant oaf. And open that damn envelope!” he calls out.

Rolling his eyes, Chanyeol reaches over to grab the invitation from his table. He flips it over in his hands, the red illuminating the paleness of his skin. It’s pretty, that’s for sure, and much too extravagant to be an invitation for a casual get together. His fingers glide over the lace, a juxtaposition of rough material against gentle beauty, admiring it before he makes up his mind to open it.

The contents of the envelope are just as beautiful. Shades of red decorate sheets of white laced with sheer gold, and it’s mesmerising because _oh,_ it’s a wedding invitation.

He slides it open, suddenly feeling his stomach lurch because there is something familiar about this that he can’t put his finger on. He doesn’t read past the first name – simply can’t because _Junmyeon_ in large gold cursive stares at him piercingly and it’s happening all over again, those terrible thoughts that he can’t protect himself from. Junmyeon, of all people is getting married, but to who?

The last time he had heard of Junmyeon was last year when Kyungsoo had come home to tell him he saw him at the jewellers with… _with Baekhyun_. Chanyeol pales.

No no no no _no._

Junmyeon is getting married – _married_ – to Baekhyun, his best friend (he hasn’t called her that in years – can he even call her that anymore?) and he’s invited to it as if it wouldn’t hurt his feelings at all. _This is crazy,_ he thinks, reminiscing how Baekhyun had never been fond of marriage after her parents’ marriage had failed. _She couldn’t…she wouldn’t – she’s too young, it’s not fair._

Baekhyun is now twenty-six, just a few months older than he is (back in high school she would never let him forget it) and living her life eight miles per hour while Chanyeol is left behind wondering if this is the life she wants. He certainly doesn’t approve – he’s never really approved of Junmyeon, of course – but this isn’t something he has a say in anymore. Baekhyun is no longer his.

Chanyeol shoves the invitation back into the envelope, cursing the red for mocking his bleeding heart and its beauty. He hasn’t seen anything as elegant as this since Baekhyun at their college graduation, this image of which is unfortunately engrained into his mind.

That was the last time he had seen her – Baekhyun dressed gracefully in her black graduation robes with her hair styled up and slightly curled, her makeup free face minimally painted with gold hues and scarlet lipstick. Baekhyun has always been beautiful, will continue to always be, even if it hurt to watch her run over and hug Junmyeon when it should’ve been him congratulating her, not him. Junmyeon had graduated the year before but he came to give a speech to all the graduates and stayed to take her out for dinner. Chanyeol remembers sitting uncomfortably in his seat while was forced to look up and watch the whole thing, all the while thinking of how hard he had worked his ass off for two years trying to get over a lost love, congratulating himself for letting her slip right through his clumsy fingers.

Now she’s getting married to the man he lost her to, and he doesn’t quite know what to do.

 

///

 

Kyungsoo spends the next few days watching Chanyeol struggle through silence and temporary dark bruises under his eyes, unsure of what to think because Chanyeol isn’t very vocal with his feelings anymore and he can’t seem to get a read on him.

Jongin informs him that although Chanyeol is doing well at the café, his light has dimmed tremendously and the same Chanyeol working behind the counter is more of a zombified version of his previous witty humour and chirpy smiles.

“Is he going to Junmyeon’s?” Jongin asks him after grabbing Kyungsoo’s usual order of a caramel latte. He places it on their table, sits down next to his boyfriend and follows his eyes where they drift to Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, shoulders slumping at the sight. “I told him to read the invitation but I don’t understand why he’s like this. Junmyeon really wants him to come.”

Jongin shrugs and blows on Kyungsoo’s latte for him. “Does he still hate this Junmyeon guy? I thought he didn’t talk to him anymore.”

“They never really talked, to be honest. Chanyeol barely made it through a week of knowing Junmyeon after our musical project and I thought it was something he’d get over quickly but…” Kyungsoo sighs as his eyes focus on his friend, thinking about how it was never really easy to read Chanyeol when Baekhyun was around; even more difficult now that he’s distanced himself from everyone. Kyungsoo figures he’s lucky that Chanyeol’s at least let him stay into his life. “He never really did say what happened between him and Baekhyun.”

“I don’t know, hyung.” Jongin leans his cheek on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, letting his eyes close on Chanyeol quickly forcing a smile at a customer as he gives them their order. “He’s not very smart, is he?”

“Chanyeol loves to overthink but he doesn’t really think. All he does is assume and react unnecessarily big to things that don’t need it.” Kyungsoo feels like laughing, but it all seems a bit too cruel. “Baekhyun is the opposite. She overanalyses and reacts very little – from what Yixing and I saw back in college was that she was just afraid.”

“I am so glad I didn’t know your friends back then. They sound like a hassle and even hearing about their issues stresses me out.” Jongin shudders. Kyungsoo sips his latte quietly, searching for his boyfriend’s hand to entwine their fingers together. “What happened to Yixing, by the way?”

Kyungsoo smiles to himself at the thought of his friend. He reminds himself to call Yixing later, to fill in the blanks where he’s been trying to reach out to Chanyeol. “If Chanyeol has me to keep him from going insane, Baekhyun has Yixing. But don’t tell our giant that, he’ll think he’s been betrayed.”

 

Chanyeol battles with himself for a long week over Baekhyun’s wedding. The invitation said it would be happening soon but whether it’s in a few months, weeks, days or _hours,_ he will never be ready to face her. He isn’t even sure if he’ll go, but he knows Kyungsoo will drag him out of bed on the day and dress him himself because it would be appalling to miss out on an old classmate’s wedding.

It’s been over four years since he last saw Baekhyun and he would be an idiot to say that he doesn’t miss her one bit. Her absence still burns in him like the day she called their friendship quits, still aches like the night of their very first, second and last kiss. It’s a numb kind of pain he’s grown accustomed to feeling, all other emotions completely washed out until his canvas returned to its blank state but despite this, he’s an even bigger fool than usual to pretend that he is absolutely not over her.

There has never been another girl in his arms, another pair of lips on his, another hand or arm or leg or finger entwined with his because all of it – his heart, mind, body and soul – belongs to his best friend, someone he lost trying to find the answers and courage for himself. It’s unfair, completely and utterly unfair, that to this day he still can’t imagine there ever being anyone else.

 _For Baekhyun,_ he decides. He’ll go to her wedding, congratulate her and shake Junmyeon’s hand. He’ll tell them to take care of each other, give them a gift they can use in their newlywed home one day, jokingly tell them to name their kids after him and make him the godfather, and he’ll try hard not to cry because he still wants it to be him that she chooses, even if it is too late. He’ll sit at the back of the church, ignore Kyungsoo’s worried glances back at him and even say hi, maybe apologise, to Yixing. He’ll say sorry to everyone he’s ever avoided, turned down and forgotten because Baekhyun is moving on without him and it’s time for closure.

It’s time to let go.

 

///

 

Jongin is restless in the front seat of Kyungsoo’s car, fiddling with the radio and fidgeting in his seat in a tiny attempt to dance and it annoys Chanyeol like crazy.

“Will you please, please, _please_ fucking stop moving,” he groans, cradling his head in his arms. He’s wearing his new suit (his only suit) and the bowtie around his neck makes him feel like he’s choking. He had gone with red in the lame decision to match with the envelope, even though Kyungsoo had told him that the dress code was formal with sprigs of pastel green.

“I had no idea, okay?” Chanyeol had huffed when he had gotten into the car.

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and said, “It was clearly written on the invitation, stupid.”

“Nobody has time to read those things through!” Chanyeol exclaimed. Kyungsoo gave him one big puzzled look, stare lingering too long that Jongin had to drag him into the driver’s seat to hurry things up.

“Hmph, I see someone is a little too aggressive today.” Jongin snorts.

“Chanyeol, you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb at the ceremony with that dumb red bowtie of yours. _Pastel green_ will look like a patch of grass and you’ll be the only red rose amongst them,” Kyungsoo chides. He keeps his eyes on the road, both hands on the steering wheel (because if he’s not careful, he’s not Do Kyungsoo) and he’s completely immune to Jongin’s car antics.

Chanyeol scowls. “I’ll be the handsomest rose out there, thank you very much.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes momentarily glance at the rear-view mirror to look at Chanyeol. “You couldn’t have given the invitation a once over? It’s a little inconsiderate to turn up in the wrong attire.”

“Sweet Jesus, it’s a bowtie, Kyungsoo. It’s not like I came wearing my birthday suit.” He rolls his eyes and slumps against the window, watching the sunlight seep through the trees they pass, wondering if Kyungsoo could slow down a little to give him room to breathe. He’s not ready – he’ll never be ready – but he’s trying. He’s just a little slow, is all. “Besides, I didn’t bother reading the invitation to know.” It comes out inaudibly but Kyungsoo’s sharp ears still catch sound of it.

He splutters in the driver’s seat, eyes widening more than usual in disbelief and one of his hands grasp at Jongin to try and hold him calmly. “You didn’t read the invitation?” Chanyeol shrugs with a shake of his head. “You didn’t fucking _read_ the invitation? Park Chanyeol, you didn’t – you…you, do you know who Junmyeon is marrying?”

Chanyeol eyes him like he’s crazy to be suddenly asking such an obvious question. “Of course I do, who else would it be? It’s Baekhyun, for god’s sake.”

Jongin darts his eyes back and forth the two and stops when Kyungsoo blinks at him, focus no longer on the road. “Baby, please stop looking at me like that and drive carefully,” he shakes out in a nervous laugh.

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo says, though his eyes are on his boyfriend. “Who is Junmyeon getting married to?”

“Kyungsoo, did _you_ read the invitation? He’s getting married to Baekhyun, rather un _fucking_ fortunately.” Chanyeol looks out the window to frown, suddenly feeling very bitter again.

Kyungsoo lets out a small gasp, fingers stretching out for Jongin to hold his hand. When he does, the former squeezes them tight. Slowly, ever so slowly, a smile surfaces on his face and _ah,_ it all makes sense – “Jongin, Chanyeol doesn’t know who Junmyeon is marrying. _Jongin_.”

Jongin looks at his boyfriend and then back at the road ahead, silently praying for Kyungsoo to come back to his senses because he’d rather not die before his own wedding, which is a more of a dream than – _oh._ “Oh. Oh my god,” he says, widening eyes matching his other half’s. “Oh dear lord.”

Chanyeol stares confusedly at Jongin’s outburst, eyes questioning the younger man before darting to his boyfriend, who looks a spectre of shock, disbelief and excitement all at once.

“Are you trying to get us killed?” He exclaims at Kyungsoo’s lack of focus. “Keep your eyes on the fucking road.”

 

The first person he sees when they arrive at the church is Yixing, who looks as if he’s been waiting by the entrance for them. Kyungsoo gets out of the car first in a frenzied hurry, muttering something to Jongin that Chanyeol couldn’t hear and the younger soon follows him.

Chanyeol is reluctant to step out and face the only reality he’s ever known, so he decides to stay in the car and watch Kyungsoo and Yixing’s exchange. The latter still looks the same, even after four years, and Chanyeol is certainly jealous at how little his old friend has changed in terms of appearance. _Curse Yixing and his looks of eternal youth_.

Kyungsoo seems to have said something interesting to Yixing because when Chanyeol squints his eyes at them, Yixing’s eyes are almost bulging out of his sockets and his mouth hangs wide open. Chanyeol can’t seem to watch anymore – Yixing looks less youthful when he’s surprised – so instead he focuses on the bushes the car is parked next to.

Moments later, there’s a tap on the car window. He turns his head curiously, about to roll down the windows when –

“Holy shit.” It falls out of his mouth by accident from the failure of his brain-to-mouth function because standing before him with only a glass pane separating them is Baekhyun, _his_ Baekhyun, with her mousy brown hair decorated with pink hair rollers, a bare face and dressed in a fluffy black dressing gown.

Chanyeol can’t breathe for his heart, his lungs, his brain – all of it – halts to take in the familiar face that is truly the epitome of _long time no see_ because Baekhyun has changed very little but at the same time a lot and it’s too much, even seeing her just standing there before him is too much. Baekhyun’s mouth is pulled up into a small smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes. He looks at her briefly and catches her eye bags, a prominent feature that has darkened her face. He wonders if all the restless nights she’s spent planning her big day has scarred her, but he doesn’t think she looks any less beautiful than before.

Baekhyun eyes the door lock and says, “Open the door, Park. Either you come out or I come in.”

He lifts it open, lets her open the door herself and scoots to the side of his seat. She climbs in, bare feet and all, angling her body towards him. Chanyeol swallows and tries to pry his eyes away from her.

“Look at me,” she demands. He doesn’t; he can’t do it. “Or not. I guess I’ll have to talk at you instead, then.”

She sounds different now, stricter with the tone of her voice and her expression of words. It’s scary, to him, that there is a sort of military precision in her voice that was never there before. Chanyeol nods, unable to say anything.

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet,” she starts. “I want you to go in there, sit in the very back pew and wait for me. _Wait_ for me. Yixing has just told me something and I think there’s something I need to explain to you. If you run away this time, I will hunt you down and run you over with Kyungsoo’s car.”

Chanyeol looks up, taken aback at her words. In her face he finds the same old determination hidden amongst a pale and controlled expression. Chanyeol would think it’s just a joke, if it weren’t for the lack of a smile or a hint of a laugh, and he wordlessly nods because who is he to say no to her?

Baekhyun reaches for the door, ready to open it and leave Chanyeol in the car. “Don’t run away this time. Wait for me.” And she is gone again, just like that.

Chanyeol is left alone, watching Baekhyun as she retreats back into the church.

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin are nowhere to be found when guests start slowly trickling into the venue and Chanyeol is seated at the very end, like Baekhyun had instructed. He’s the most anxious he’s ever been – to see Baekhyun, to find out what she wants, and all thoughts of this even being her wedding has completely flown over his head. He forgets about Junmyeon, forgets about how this is his day and not his, but remembers that Baekhyun won’t be the same Baekhyun he knows at the end of the day.  
With his hands in his lap and his red bowtie suffocating him in the discomfort of the place, he waits like he was told to. Anticipation burns through his veins and there’s the familiar pace of adrenaline running through his head, all because Baekhyun is here, wants to talk to him, wants him to wait for her.

And there it is again – his weakness: never being able to say no. A defeat, most likely, of all the barriers he’s spent years and years building over heartbreak and lost time.  
Chanyeol waits and waits and waits until he catches sight of Junmyeon at the front of the church, green tie and black suit, and he remembers the first time he had properly met his college senior. Of course, he quickly tries to forget it because it’s the memory buried at the utmost top of what he wishes to forget but never will. Junmyeon is pacing back and forth, expression alternating from excited and weary and Chanyeol wishes that it could be him up there instead.

Soon enough, the church is filled to the brim with people he doesn’t recognise and not even Kyungsoo or Yixing or Jongin is visible amongst blurred faces. Junmyeon stands tall and proud at the front now, ready to devote his entire life away to a promise that should have been Chanyeol’s chance. He casually glances around for his favourite familiar face, but Baekhyun is nowhere to be seen.

It’s only when the music starts playing and everybody stands up does he feel a heavy weight settle on his heart. Baekhyun had told him to wait, but she isn’t here. Chanyeol wonders if she must’ve forgotten, wonders what it is she wanted to say, but realises that there isn’t time for that now, not when her wedding is underway and she’s scheduled to walk down the aisle at any time now.

All the guests turn around to face the back of the church except for Chanyeol, who can’t seem to bring himself to accept it. The doors open and light seeps through, but he keeps his eyes on the floor because he knows that if he were to look up now, he’d run out and ruin it all. He can’t do that, can’t ruin Baekhyun’s day.

The flower girls and ring bearer pass by without Chanyeol even noticing much and white flower petals cascade to the floor in slow swings. As the seconds pass leading up to the bride’s entrance, the music becomes muffled to his ears and the unfamiliar sting of his eyes tell him _this is it,_ it’s time. He looks up to catch the third flower girl start to slowly make her way down the aisle, all eyes on her as she beautifully graces the hall with her presence, blinding and so surreal, surrounded by a light Chanyeol’s been seeing all his life because it’s her, it’s _her,_ dressed in pastel green and not white.

He almost bursts out laughing, only holding back in respect of the ceremony, but he catches Baekhyun’s eye and makes to move towards her but she glares at him sternly for a moment as if to say _wait for me_ and he stays where he is, the biggest grin breaking through the permanent frowns of his face. The sigh of relief that he lets out is larger than the internal cry of delight at the sight of Baekhyun dressed in a bridesmaid’s dress, a white flower grown pinned to the wavy constructs of her hair. She’s beautiful, so goddamn beautiful, that a tear escapes from Chanyeol’s eye and he doesn’t even mind, not at all.

He doesn’t take his eyes off of her until she’s standing beside Junmyeon at the front, watching her give him a subtle high five before the groom turns his attention to the back again to welcome his future.

Chanyeol doesn’t turn around to see who Junmyeon is marrying. In fact, he frankly doesn’t care. All that matters, all that will ever matter, is that it’s not Baekhyun wearing that veil.

He endures the entire ceremony for Baekhyun, keeping his eyes only on her. She glances his way from time to time, a small smile playing along the arrow of her lips but then quickly looks away to focus on the couple. She looks so happy and content that he thinks her face is brighter than the bridge’s. Chanyeol finds himself smiling the entire way through, chest bursting with pride even though he’s not the one getting married.

He waits; patient this time because he’s spent the last few years in an inpatient rush to forget.

 

Much later when the rings have been exchanged and sealed with a kiss, Baekhyun slides into the seat next to his at the back of the church, taking him by surprise. He still isn’t sure what to say because he’s never once dreamed in the four years without her that he’d have to see her again in a situation like this. He could start with how relieved he is to find out that it wasn’t her getting married to Junmyeon, but he’s afraid that he’d never stop.

“God, I managed to make it out of there alive before they started on the photographs,” Baekhyun groans in exasperation, stretching her arms and legs in her seat. Chanyeol laughs, laughs the hardest he’s ever done so in a long time because it’s so Baekhyun of her to say that, to talk as if there isn’t a four year rift between them.

“It’s as if you were never here if you’re not in those photos,” Chanyeol quietly says.

Baekhyun shrugs and leans back, closing her eyes with a sigh. “Junmyeon said he’d just Photoshop me in.” Chanyeol nods, even if she can’t see him, and goes back to his silence.

He’s at a loss for what to say, only because there’s so much he wants to, but there is time. Baekhyun is here, next to him, and that alone tells him it’ll all be okay.

“Chanyeol, I think I owe you an explanation.” Baekhyun opens her eyes to look at him. She angles her body so that she’s facing him completely, also demanding his attention. He raises his eyebrow at her, soft eyes locking her gaze until she’s sure she has him listening completely. “I’m going to talk and you are going to listen, and you will not speak until I am done because you owe me that much.”

“Baekhyun –“

“No, shut up.” She grins, shaking her head. “I’m going to start now to get it over with. Please bear with me.” He nods, sliding himself closer to her until there’s only an inch resting in between them. Baekhyun faces herself forward, inhales deeply to exhale just the same, and Chanyeol mirrors her.

“I heard from Yixing that you had no idea who Junmyeon was marrying because apparently you didn’t read the invitation at all.” She pauses to turn her head to look at him, down at his bowtie and laughs. “Of course you didn’t. I think that was the problem all those years ago – you didn’t think with your head very often, did you? There’s been a misunderstanding between us all this time, starting from when Junmyeon came in. I know you’ve probably hated him since then, but please trust me when I say that Junmyeon is a great guy. He’s helped me in many ways and I’m sorry that he came between us.”

Chanyeol opens his mouth to speak but Baekhyun glares at him pointedly. He smiles sheepishly, keeping his thoughts to himself at the ready for when it’s time for him to speak. Baekhyun nods and continues, “What you saw that night when you came into my room was me helping him practice for his musical – I owed him for something and he was nervous because he had the biggest crush on the leading lady. I guess you can say that it all worked out well for him because he’s married to Jongdae now.” Chanyeol frowns at this and almost embarrassedly, he blushes right down to his toes because _fuck_ , he had had it all completely wrong. He feels so stupid, so dumb and unobservant – this, this is all his fault and –

“Stop thinking, doofus, I can hear your brain whirring.” Baekhyun nudges him in the side with her elbow playfully. “That’s one thing I needed you to know. It was never Junmyeon for me. I owed him for all the times he let me off for sneaking away to your dorm all the time.”

“Wait, why would he let you off?” Chanyeol promptly asks.  
Baekhyun rolls her eyes. “I told you not to speak yet. He was the RA for our building back then. I didn’t know him very well until the musical, but he was always nice enough to let me run away to yours.”

“Is that why you came by so often?”

“Not the only reason. Hey, stop talking.” Chanyeol mimes zipping his mouth shut and Baekhyun giggles at the sight. “Anyway,” she continues, finding composure again. “I think you misunderstood everything. Not even starting with Junmyeon, but _everything_. When I had asked you for that favour, to be my first kiss…Chanyeol, I didn’t ask you to do any of that with me because I wanted to get it over with. Not because I felt bad for being twenty and having never been kissed, but because –“ She stops, bites her bottom lip and scrunches her eyebrows together in worry. “I still want you to be my first everything. I meant what I said back then, even if you thought differently about it. You’ve already taken my first love and my first kiss, you might as well take it all.”

Chanyeol reaches out for her hand and takes it in his, entwining their fingers together. He squeezes it gently, urging her to go on. Her eyes drift down to their clasped hands. “Byun Baekhyun, the first time I wanted to kiss you was on your thirteenth birthday, when you told me that it was tradition. I didn’t get to because your mother had come in with your cake and it was time to blow out your candles.”

"Was every night I spent at your house, from childhood onwards, not enough for you to see?"  Baekhyun asks, keeping her eyes cast downwards. She sits unmoving beside him and he frowns. "Why did you wait so long, Chanyeol?"

“Because I’m a big stupid giant. I only thought about myself and how much I didn't want to ruin what we already had. I have been in love with you since we were young and I wasted so much time inside my own head, trying to make sense of what to do with what I felt for you,” he answers. It’s the truth – most of it, anyway. He’s the biggest idiot on earth and mixed in with what he had spent years after college running away from, he doesn’t deserve Baekhyun’s attention at all.

Baekhyun shakes her head adamantly. “That’s not fair. I’ve felt the same for just as long, yet I couldn’t do anything about it because I wanted you to make the first move.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t,” he says. Honestly, Baekhyun’s confession is nothing of a surprise – it would be if they were still thirteen, sixteen, even twenty years old, but here they are as adults in lost time trying to make up for the past. It’s sadder than it is surprising to know that it’s too late for a heart-racing first love to alight again, but there is still a sense of relief that remains in knowing that although it took a while to get there, they did it; they’re here.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, “that I was a coward up until today. I want to so badly go back and right where I went wrong because you didn’t deserve any of that –“

“Neither did you,” she interrupts with a playful grin on her face. “I heard daily that you beat yourself up for not being born before me so that I could call you oppa.”

The blood in Chanyeol’s face flushes down to his toes. “Who told you about that?”

Baekhyun laughs loudly and Chanyeol has never been so glad to see or hear that beautiful chime. “Yixing tells me all sorts of things Kyungsoo tells him. They kept contact just to help keep us sane.”

In that moment, Chanyeol realises that he has a lot to be sorry for. Not just for everything that’s happened with Baekhyun, but for the way he’s treated Yixing and acted towards Kyungsoo. They’ve been his best friends for many years now, even if he hasn’t been the greatest friend back, and it makes him feel so disappointed in himself to have been so blind for so long.

“Listen,” Baekhyun drags out slowly. “I have never liked – loved – anyone other than you, my bestest friend in the whole world. Junmyeon understood me the most back then, which is why I kept him close. He kept me anchored to the ground while you kept my head in the clouds, so I don’t want you to hate him anymore. Forgive him for my misunderstandings and most of all, please don’t blame yourself.”

“Too late.” Chanyeol snorts. “I’ve been blaming myself for a while now. I wish I could go back, Baek.”

“Too late,” Baekhyun repeats. “We’re already here. Whatever you have left that needs to be answered, I’m here to answer, okay? We have a lot of catching up to do.”

Agreeing, Chanyeol slowly nods. He looks to his side, at the face he’s missed the most and wonders if everything would’ve been different if he had just stopped to think that night in Baekhyun’s room. Then he’s reminded of their first kiss, already so long ago but so fresh in his mind, and it’s right here and now that he wants to redo it, this time with meaning. He’s hesitant all over again, knowing that it’s not time yet, but it will be one day.

It’s just time they need to gather the pieces together and repair what was broken. It’s just time they need to heal.

So for now, Chanyeol lifts Baekhyun’s hand up to his lips at the same time she leans her head on his shoulder and kisses it ever so softly with the promise he’ll start thinking with his heart this time.

_I’m sorry._

Baekhyun closes her eyes once she’s nestled into him comfortably and Chanyeol vaguely reminisces of all the nights she’s spent in his arms. There’ll be more of that to come and maybe even more, he smiles at the thought as he looks ahead to catch Junmyeon lifting Jongdae off of the ground to twirl her around, her wedding dress fluttering beautifully around her.

_Thank you._

Chanyeol lifts Baekhyun’s hand up to his lips, flashes of their kiss from way back when appearing in his mind erratically and the warmth in his stomach crashes into him again. He thinks of how selfish it is of him to only know how it feels to love on his side and not consider how she must’ve felt all this time, how blind he was to something that was only under his nose, but it’s all in the past now.

He thinks of how easily Baekhyun is rebuilding herself into his life, how it doesn’t even feel like they’ve been apart for long, how glorious it feels to have loved her for most of his life, lost her and found her, because it has always been about Baekhyun for him, just like it’s always been Chanyeol for her.

Baekhyun keeps her eyes closed but her hand squeezes Chanyeol’s to let her know she’s here, she’s _home_ ,and he really wouldn’t have it any other way.

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

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